Many are standing in different corners, most of them with their heads bowed and eyes fixed on a point on the floor or gazing at nowhere; those who came earlier, are slowly giving space to those who are coming still; many continue to come, everyone finding a corner or a person or a group who are familiar to them, and begins a discussion in whispers about how all that happened, and with their heads nodding in response to the explanations they hear of how it all happened, and how everything changed for a few and how they will need to rewrite the script of their life with the new change!I just returned from a funeral of someone in my neighborhood who died yesterday as a result of a tragic road accident in a place near Bangalore. Shaji – as he is called by his friends, is of my age, and a dynamic person with a good and wide network of people. The long winding rows of vehicles of people who had come to see his body is an indication of how connected he is with people of Pandikkad (the town I live) and the neighbouring towns and villages. Young and old, men and women, boys and girls, they all stood in silence, in groups, and as reflective individuals, perhaps everyone reflecting on his character, on his little little achievements, sympathizing from distance on the family that he left behind, expressing concerns about the future of his two little children; there were waves of silent prayers in the air, to rest Shaji’s soul in peace.
On my way back, I was seeing myself in that glass box; embalmed, lying straight, neat and in eternal silence!! What if it was me in that box?
Since the time I left this town in 1991, there is hardly a handful of people who would know me, what has transpired in my life since then till now, what I do now and what I have accomplished and what I aspire to accomplish! Because I am not a socializer, I am hardly seen in the common places in the town where the people gather for an evening chat, my time during holidays are mostly at home, immersed in a book or two or working on a project or other with my laptop as my company. My leisure time was spent with family, especially with my mom; it’s only now since I returned to India that I began to start meeting people from in and around, that too in the context of engaging for one or other training program for organizations here.
If in that box it was me who was lying horizontal, will I be given an empty sent-off on my final journey to my ultimate destination? Who would be standing around me in the corners of the room? Will the courtyard of my house be filled with people and will they have anything to remember about my existence around them? How would they remember me? What will they know to reflect on me? What have I given them? How have I touched their lives, while being at a distance?
Because I am their neighbour, the neighbours would know the silent me; because I am their relative, a few of my relatives would know the distant me and even though they do not know me well, they would still be around on that day. Who are my friends? I have hardly any who are ‘real’ friends! They are mostly virtual! Loic or Eric wouldn’t see me on Skype, and gradually the memory of their experience with Shahir would fade in time. Marcelle might send a few emails and live on. Santosh might call after a period of silence. Bander? Somali Ma’m and Shyleshwari and Anil Behal and Murali Nair – they will resign to the thought that I have absconded from the engagements with Orgdyne! Victoria and Violetta and Caroyn and Joseph and Dany – they might feel nostalgic of the few good postings in my blog, and might once or twice wonder the reasons behind the absence!
J.K? Because I wouldn’t be ‘expressing’ anything for days in a row while in the coffin and while being six feet under, and because I am not important and significant in her life anymore professionally or personally, perhaps for a few days she wouldn’t bother to know where I am and what I do; a few days later, she might send a few messages, perhaps sarcastic, on my eternal silence…and when there won’t be a response, she would move on!
I see around me seated, a frail lady with two little girls on her lap – my wife and two daughters. More than the nobility of my character, the agility of her endurance and tolerance is what stood against the test of time. With her is my mother who has seen several ups and downs in her own personal life and witnessed my long journey towards success and the final lap of setbacks. My sister and brothers, and a few friends of my brothers who know me through them…
How eerily silent would that be, that final silent retreat of mine!!
I think I will have to recalculate the mathematics of my life; begin to do a few things I am not comfortable doing but are essential in building a meaningful life! I must seek ways to integrate me more with the community I live in…; there are things I must do…sooner than later.
Imagine if that’s you in that box!!
Shahir.
(Note: If this sounded as "Oh! poor me!", it truly is not the intention. It's a hypothetical analysis of what might be, in reflection of what is in the now.)
